Oh man. I was secretly planning not to do this. I hoped I could work through without revisiting this, but that’s not going to work. There is always a catalyst for situational depression. In the past, it’s been relationships ending, losing a loved one, or other major life changes. This time there was a definite build up of anxiety and tension, but there was also a big, ugly catalyst. I thought I had “put it down” or “left it behind” but I haven’t. At my lowest point today, I was fixated on it. So, here’s the plan:
1. Write it and spare no uncomfortable detail
2. Have a crisis tonight and probably not sleep
3. Outline how to move on
4. Post it and truly LEAVE IT in the past
My partner and I have been together 3.5 years and we’ve lived together for the past year. We’re both divorced. We have his kids every other weekend. Overall, I think our relationship has been stellar. We have a lot of respect for each other and we have a lot of fun together. He travels for work 5 days a week every single week. That part is tough, but I think we’ve figured it out. When he started doing that 2 years ago, I didn’t think we’d make it. He had never been very communicative unless we were together in person. He changed that, and we have a routine that works. I also used to travel for work, so that made it feel easier. He was gone and I was gone, and we’d see each other on the weekend. We each need a healthy amount of alone time.
I’d been in a pretty high stress period. I’d lost my job (with a lot of warning, fortunately) and had started a new job which I very much enjoy, but it is a LOT. I was maintaining a high level of anxiety. I started to feel that P was being strange with his phone habits, i.e. taking it to the bathroom, using it at the gym, seemingly always closing messenger and opening FB when I got close. I brought it up a few times, and he assured me that nothing was up. One Thursday, he was actually at home having taken some time off over Christmas. I was at work and had talked to him on the phone. He seemed distracted and said he was working on his homemade gift (a tradition of his family – everyone brings one homemade gift to the exchange and we draw for them). He wouldn’t tell me what it was, but said I could see it when I got home if it turned out OK. It was a very beautiful pencil portrait of a woman. My feelings were mixed. I was thrilled to see him drawing again. He hasn’t done it in years and is very good. However, my suspicions had already been raised and I wonder if it was supposed to resemble someone…
That night I saw a name I didn’t recognize on his phone when I looked over his shoulder. Yes, I was trying to see what he was up to. I had the feeling he knew I was suspicious because later he showed me his text message landing screen to say he was waiting on a text from his son. I gently confronted him a few minutes later. I asked “are you talking to someone you don’t want me to know about?”. He denied it. I said I thought I’d seen a name on his screen and then didn’t see it later. He had such convincing arguments. We went upstairs to get ready for bed. I doubled back to open his phone (I’m not proud). In his deleted text messages, I found the name I’d seen with over 1,000 messages. I very VERY briefly scrolled through. I saw:
– He had sent her pictures of the drawing, suggesting that she was his muse
– Many MANY “heart” reactions back and forth
– Him saying “I keep scrolling back to look at that pic you sent”
– Him saying “you know I don’t think of you as just one of the guys”
I went upstairs in a shaking rage and demanded the story. He looked so convincingly confused. I brought up her name. He said “she’s just a friend”. I brought up the messages. He said it was an ex from YEARS ago (like 18 years) who had gotten back in contact about 6 years ago and they chatted sporadically. He said she lived in Daytona and he hadn’t seen her since they dated. He said it was just flirting and he felt it was safe because they both knew it wouldn’t go anywhere because their brief relationship had failed. He said she was just “one of the guys”. That really hurt because I saw his message saying the EXACT opposite. He said a lot of their conversation was her asking questions about event hosting because she managed a restaurant. I asked when they last talked on the phone, he said “today”. Eventually, he apologized. He said “I’m sorry, I crossed a boundary, it won’t happen again”. We went to bed. I was crying in the morning. He said “if it helps, it never got sexual”. It helped a bit.
I went to work that day and pretty much spent the entire day researching this girl online. I had her number and I found out:
1. She is 11 years younger than him
2. She lives in Chicago
3. She works at a restaurant he frequents when he is there for work
I left work in a white rage. I called her – no answer. I sent her a text saying she didn’t know me, but I’d like to talk to her, woman to woman. I went to the gym where he said he was going to. He arrived after I did though he should’ve been there for half an hour already. He had called me when he was supposedly leaving home a while ago – what was he doing in the meantime? I confronted him in the parking lot. I asked who she really was and when he had seen her. He claimed that the ex story was true. He had seen her at the restaurant and swore that it was a surprise to run into her. He claimed he never saw her outside the restaurant. I don’t understand how he could have dated her back in his twenties when she’s so much younger. He claimed he never asked her age. My online research didn’t show any addresses or education in Florida (where he claimed to have met her). I’m still not convinced this isn’t just a restaurant employee he started a fling with. We sat in his car and talked it to death. I told him I’d contacted her. He asked me to block her. He said she might say something upsetting like that they’d slept together. I told him I wanted him to have no contact with her ever again. He agreed. He apologized. He said he fell into the flirting because he was so flattered and isn’t used to that kind of attention. He said I DO give him adequate attention and affection. After what felt like forever, he asked if we could leave this behind us. I said yes. He promised to cut contact, and I promised not to invade his privacy. I said if anything like this happens again, it’s over. In any other relationship, it would have been over already.
In the following weeks (this was over Christmas so he was actually home – BTW worst Christmas ever) I had so many meltdowns. I hadn’t left it behind me. He said she reached out once and he deleted her message. He didn’t block her. He changed his phone passcode. I asked if he would go to counseling with me. He said yes, but that he didn’t have anything to say that he hadn’t already said, and talked about his bad experiences with counseling before. I could hear his defensiveness, so I didn’t push it. I had a muscle spasm in my neck (that started during that first conversation) that had me messed up badly. I had to get muscle relaxers. I begged him again and again not to hurt me like that. I cried often and randomly. He said some things that were helpful. He said:
– He never thought it would hurt me so badly
– That I’m the person he can’t wait to come home to and fantasizes about on the road
– He can’t afford (emotionally) to pursue anything with anyone else
– He feels ashamed and embarrassed. His stomach drops every time I bring it up
– He hates how much pain he caused me
– It was wrong. He crossed a line. He’ll never do it again.
There are a lot of holes in his story, and I don’t really believe the backstory. I’m not sure whether there was physical contact, but it’s very possible. Maybe even probable. He lied to me, even after he was caught. I don’t believe I know the real extent… I don’t know if I want to know.
I decided to forgive him for whatever happened before the discovery day. I have some ideas of how I could find out whether he has really cut off contact, but I am choosing not to pursue those. I don’t know how I can possibly handle him going back to Chicago, but I know he will have to at some point in the not-too-distant future.
I could leave. I’m not financially dependent on him. We don’t need to stay together for the kids or our families. There are no external expectations making it hard for me to go. I choose not to because of all the good aspects of our relationship.
Yet, my reaction to thinking about it is still visceral. I’m suspicious when he goes somewhere alone – is he calling her? I’m anxious when he ends a call abruptly – is she calling him? I google his travel locations to see how long of a drive it would be for them to get together. I consider tracking him when he next goes to Chicago. I believe he turned off call waiting so I can no longer see whether he’s already on a call. He keeps his phone very guarded. I think an outsider looking in would say I’m a fool. Still, I have decided to forgive what came before and not dwell on the possibilities. There is no way to actually prove or disprove his current commitment, and when I try I only drive myself crazy. I’m hoping that writing it all down and putting it out in the Universe will help me move on.
What I will NOT do:
1. Obsessively check his online status: I can see when he’s been active on FB or Instagram. I’ve been using that to gauge whether he’s on his phone. I’ve been checking it after he says goodnight to see if he stays up for another hour (talking to someone?). The last few nights I’ve been able to put it down. I just don’t check. It’s better for me.
2. Panic when he runs an errand alone: No one has the right to every facet of another person’s life. He can do things alone. Trust means actually trusting him, not babysitting him.
What I WILL do:
1. Focus on what he gives me: he calls me several times a day when he’s on the road. When he’s home, we have special experiences like cooking together, playing games together, cuddling all night long, and going to the gym.
2. Ask for what I need: whether it’s more physical affection, time, or words of affirmation, it’s ok to ask for what I want.
3. Find more meaningful ways to fill my alone time: meeting with friends, trying new activities, and building hobbies. I want to be less dependent, moment-to-moment, on my recent communications and feelings about him. I don’t want to ride a rollercoaster each day as he calls or doesn’t call.
I still live my life planning for us to be together. I hope this was a warning shot for both of us. Love doesn’t take work, but relationships do. I hope we will both put in the work to make this last. There’s no one else I want to grow old with.
