This weekend is Austin’s birthday. He’s flying home today. Last night and this morning on the phone he sounded energetic and happy. I’m feeling low. I’m feeling unsure about our relationship and how he feels about me. I feel insecure about myself.
My goal this weekend is to focus only on love. That means accepting the love he gives me without questioning his motives or actions. That means also showing him only love and not suspicion and jealousy. I know it’s not a good or acceptable long-term plan to hide my vulnerability or depression. I just feel that after a rough holiday season and bad weekend last week, I want a weekend of good feelings, even if they are a bit forced. I want to try to see him the way I did before the catalyst. There have been moments where I’ve been able to. If I’m really moving on and putting it behind me, we need to get back to that.
I want him to continue to be excited to come home to me, and not dreading returning to his depressed and suspicious girlfriend. We’ve always had so much fun together, that’s WHY we’re still together. As he told me in the aftermath, nothing has changed for him. His feelings for me weren’t impacted by what he called “a stupid mistake”. Of course, my whole world view has changed. This weekend, it’s just love.
