I wasn’t planning on doing resolutions every weekend, but that’s how it’s shaping up. For context, Austin travels Monday-Friday of every week. I typically take him to the airport on Monday morning, and he typically gets home on Friday before I do. My anxiety and suspicion build through the week, and by Friday I’m a mess. I’m so anxious when he gets home before I do. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s the thought of him being dishonest in our home feels worse than being dishonest on the road. I’m desperate to get home. This week, he’s getting back quite early today and will be home for hours. We also have the kids, so he may go get them and the first time I’ll see him is when he brings them in. I don’t prefer it this way, I’d rather have even a few minutes with him first for us to reunite.
So even though I’m excited to see him, I feel dread in the mix of emotions. I worry that something bad will happen; that I’ll discover something upsetting, or that he’ll be unloving and it’ll be an unfulfilling weekend. It’s the only time I have with him, so there’s a lot of pressure for it to give us both what we need.
I did a meditation this morning to help with anxiety, and it was really good. It ended with asking me to imagine how I want to feel. I want to feel in love. I haven’t really been feeling that way. I see him differently. I see his gestures of love as a smokescreen to put me off suspicion. I don’t want to be that way. What’s the point of being in a relationship if not love?
I want to feel in love this weekend. I want to see him as the man I love and trust. To do that, I need to focus on what IS instead of what MIGHT BE. I need to accept the observable actions for the acts of love that they are. I’ve asked him…
1. To keep in close contact. He has. We have talked every day before work, at lunchtime, after work, and after dinner.
2. To do the Paired app with me and he has. Yes, I have to remind him about it, but he does do it and seems to be putting effort into his responses.
3. To be more physically affectionate. He has been, even though I know it doesn’t come naturally to him. Sometimes I get annoyed because his “affection” is grabbing and pinching my waist, which I don’t like.
4. For more words of affirmation. He has been texting periodically just to say loving things or to wish me a good day.
Picture: One of the random loving texts he sent this week
