I’ve been anxious. I’ve been more than anxious. I started a new job in August. I had suspicions about my partner. My dad got sick. I’ve been operating at a high level of stress, and pushing through. I was actually doing the right things, though. I was sleeping, eating right, and exercising. Still, I neglected something, and now here I am. I’ve had situational depression before, but I just didn’t see this coming.
Yesterday I had plans with a friend and her daughter. I wanted to cancel, but they were already heading over. We chatted about lighthearted topics until her daughter got absorbed in something. My friend said “so how are you?” She must have seen it. Funny enough, I didn’t see it until she asked. I started sobbing immediately. I told her I’ve been really depressed. I told her I think my relationship is broken, but I don’t know if that’s real or perception. I told her I’ve given up on having children. I told her I should’ve seen this coming but I didn’t. What I didn’t tell her was that right there, in that moment, was when I figured it out.
I’m depressed. I let the anxiety and fear ride along for too long, and I didn’t notice when they took the wheel. I cried while she put an arm around me. I cried on the way home. I’ve been crying for weeks, but this felt different. Finally, I felt some peace. Not happiness, but a quietness. The panic subsided. The constant refrain of “what’s wrong” grew fainter. I had been feeling like I was inches from doom. Figuring out that I was depressed took some of that fear away.
I’m scared of the depression. I’m scared of the journey I need to take to get out of it. I’m scared that the things that have worked before won’t work this time. Still, I’m strangely comforted. This isn’t the looming fearful unknown that I’ve been dreading. It isn’t a monster waiting to jump out at me. It’s you, my old frenemy. I can’t say I’m happy to see you again, but there is a strange comfort in naming you.
Photo: Morro Bay, CA. May 2024.