Like coddling a child, I’ve been “giving in” to myself a lot lately. Normally I’m a very regimented person (on weekdays at least). I get up early, I go to the gym before work, I eat a lunch that I packed, I clean the house after work, I do meal prep and pack my gym bag, and I go to bed early. This week especially, I’m letting myself do things that, for whatever reason, feel comforting:
1. Blogging at Work – I’ve got a tab open all day to add notes and journal in real time. I typically try to separate personal stuff and work, but it makes me feel better to have this sense of connection available through the day.
2. Sleeping on the Couch – It just feels so much easier to fall asleep on the couch with the TV on. It’s probably not the best quality sleep, but just the thought of going to sleep alone in his king sized bed gives me dark thoughts. I’ve had too many nights where I wake up from terrible dreams where all my fears come true. For some reason, it doesn’t seem to happen on the couch.
3. Listening to Music at Work – I usually like to be tuned in to work. People come to my door and wait for me to look up, and I can’t hear them over headphones. The silence is too much, though. I can’t focus on work because I focus on other things, so I’ve been listening to music in one earbud. I do shuffle to get a mixture of upbeat and slow. I have a lot of sad music in my library. I can handle some of it, but not without something upbeat to break it up.
4. Slacking in the Gym – Typically I’ll allow 1 or 2 rest days per week. Lately a good week is only 3 workouts. I think it’s important to keep it in the mix for the endorphins and feelings of accomplishment, but I can’t really make myself care about any gym goals. Sometimes when I go I’m just barely going through the motions.
The only thing I’m not treating with reckless abandon is my nutrition. One byproduct of the situation is that my appetite is gone. I’m probably eating 1000-1200 calories a day. I could eat more if I wanted to, but that could easily lead to binging for me, and I don’t want to pile on the regret and guilt of that to what I’m already feeling. I’m losing weight, which is fine. All I’m really doing is trying to make sure I get enough protein and have a couple of vegetables per day. Other than that, I’m getting no real pleasure from food. Also, I noticed a weird correlation between the few times I’ve had more of an appetite and indulged, and then having a really bad day afterwards. I don’t think it’s causation. It’s just that when I’ve started to feel better, something else crashes down and I feel almost jinxed.
I’m not advocating going off the rails and doing whatever makes you feel good in the moment. In the past, I’ve used rigid structure to help myself through depression. This time, I’m trying to find a balance between helpful structure and constructive self-generosity.
