+6 Saturday 1/18 – I failed my resolution. I cried so hard after Austin’s family birthday lunch because he was leaving to jam. I called and told him I’m messed up. He was loving, but he was still gone for 6 hours and I was in crisis when he called on his way home. He told me to keep telling him when I’m not ok and that he wouldn’t have gone or stayed so long if he knew I wasn’t in a good place. I thought I had already let him know that with the earlier call… I guess that wasn’t blunt enough. I feel like I’m always not ok, and I don’t want to drive him away.
+7 Sunday 1/19 – Austin’s birthday. He got up early and I slept in a bit. I made him eggs Benedict, then napped on the couch. I was happy to have a long lazy morning with him. He suddenly announced at 2:30 that he had to go out to buy toiletries, then he’d come home and we’d go to the gym. I told him I felt like he was leaving to talk to someone else. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just grab toiletries on the way to or from the gym. He was annoyed, but a few minutes later gave me a long hug and explained that he just didn’t want me to be bored. That he likes to get out of the house and do things sometimes, and that it’s not nefarious. Anyway, we didn’t have time because we had a 5:00 dinner reservation. On the way to the gym I tried to explain that I have always been too dependent on relationships, but that also comes with me doing all the things I do for my partners. He talked about how independent he had to be in his marriage, and he’s not used to someone wanting to do things with him. He was quiet at the gym.
Dinner was nice, but he was still quiet. When we got home, he showered and then we had sex. I took a while getting ready afterwards, and he called upstairs to ask if I was OK. It was then I realized that his phone was in the bedroom with me and it sent up red flags. Long story short – I went through it. He’s still talking to her, but he has her listed as a work contact “Brian”. I didn’t see too much detail (he permanently deletes messages now – obviously getting smarter at hiding things) but I saw recent calls coming and going. I told him “so, are we done? I broke my promise and you broke yours”. He played innocent and confused, until I told him about Brian. Then, he claimed that there were only missed calls. I had him pull up call history to show him his outgoing call the previous day. Lies, lies, lies, lies, and lies. He claimed he had tried to stop talking to her, but she made him feel bad. He was trying to “please everyone”. I don’t have the heart or energy to tell all right now, but I thought we were done. Sometimes I was calm and rational and asked him to respect me enough to tell the truth, and other times I screamed uncontrollably. For now, we’re staying together. He says it’s really over with her. Lots of talk about how to move forward. We cuddled through the night. I couldn’t really sleep and got on my phone. He asked me to “be there with him”.
+8 Monday 1/20 – He was quiet and upset when it was time to get up. I asked what he was feeling. He said “angry, although I feel I don’t have a right to be. Wondering what I’ll be coming home to, knowing that I’m leaving for a week.” We agreed that he will “take care of it”. I made him breakfast and we had a quiet drive. I asked him to join the “Paired” app. He actually did it, and not only that but filled out the quizzes and questions before I did. I ran errands. He called after his flight and talked to me for the hour drive to his hotel. I played the piano – something I haven’t done in a while. I was surprised at how…. OK I felt throughout the day. I don’t feel good. I have jolts of the conversation and what I saw on his phone that make me feel sick. However, overall I feel better than I thought I could today. The Paired app helped, as did a lot of communication with Austin. The big difference is that last time I really didn’t believe him that it was over. This time I do. That could certainly change, but I want to hang onto it. I think a big difference is that this time, during the fallout, we talked about OUR relationship. I told him I was upset enough and hurt enough to leave. That I’ve thought of how the process would go. Moving him out would suck but I could handle it. I’d probably date again, but I don’t want to do the day to day things of life without him. I don’t want to go to restaurants with anyone else. I don’t want to travel with anyone else. I told him I never thought I would stay through something like this. I told him that I thought he was the great love of my life. That all the other relationships and things I’ve been through had been leading to this point, where we could spend this lifetime together as it was meant to be. That’s why it shattered me to see what I saw. I had accepted that he’s just not very flirty or demonstrative, but then I saw him be that way with someone else.
He told me he’d do whatever it takes, and that we do have the type of love that I thought we did. He told me he didn’t want to go to restaurants or on vacation with anyone else. He told me he never would have moved in if he didn’t intend it to be permanent. I can’t remember everything that was said, but he approached me with a genuineness and openness that I don’t usually see from him. We talked about US and what we want for OUR relationship. We agreed to focus on making our relationship stronger. I never thought he’d go for the Paired app. When I brought it up he said “why did you think I wouldn’t be willing?” I told him because I know he doesn’t like talking about emotions or opening up. He told me that it’s because of the things he’s been through (not my place to share – but he didn’t have a happy or easy childhood or young adulthood). He said he hasn’t felt safe to be vulnerable since he was 6 years old. I slept on the couch; I couldn’t face the bed alone.
