10:00am – I slept on the couch. I was feeling so low last night I couldn’t fathom going to bed. I ended up sleeping well and I got up early to decorate for Austin’s birthday. He called me on his drive to the airport. He seemed so energetic and cheerful – he did last night, too. I’m going to write a separate entry, but I have a resolution for this weekend.
It’s a Friday before a 3 days weekend, and I’m hopeful that I can leave work early. I still feel really low. I’m hoping the weekend with Austin will make me feel better. We’re doing birthday lunch with his kids tomorrow, then he’s going to a jam session. It’ll be his third weekend in a row that he’s doing that. It’s good for him and he loves it. I kinda hate it. He drives an hour each way and they can “jam” for 5+ hours. It’s like losing a whole day with him, and I only have 2 per week to start with. I’m hoping this isn’t a consistent “every weekend” thing.
12:00pm – I’m panicking. I have to figure out how to chill. Austin had a layover in Chicago today. Usually he texts me when his flights take off and land. I didn’t hear anything from him once he landed in Chicago. I even texted to check on him. His flight from Chicago to home just took off. I know it’s irrational, but Chicago is where she lives. My mind is telling me he’s left the airport to be with her, and will tell me later some big story about how he missed his flight – and he’s so convincing that I might believe him in the moment and then live with the anxiety of not believing him forever. Now I’m obsessively checking whether he has any online activity (he never buys wifi on the airplane) because if he shows up online I’ll know he’s not on his flight. I’m dreading the sound of his text message saying that he missed his flight. He lands at 2:30, so that’s the text I’m waiting for. But what if he doesn’t even text then? It would be another hour before he arrived at home. I can’t go 3.5 hours wondering if he’s still in Chicago.
Ok. I need to calm down. I have to be rational here. He had a tight connection. He probably had work calls and emails during his layover and didn’t think to check in. He’s on a flight on the way home. He’d have told me right away if he missed his flight.
1:30pm – He hasn’t texted or shown up online. All signs point to him being on the flight home. I’m thinking that tonight I’ll be kicking myself for getting so worked up. Honestly, I was like this even before the catalyst. My fear wouldn’t have been the same, but I’d be so anxious now wondering if something terrible had happened at the airport and no one knows how to contact me. I am so grateful for this outlet. I know no one reads it, but it being public brings me comfort. That’s why I called it “Grace of You” after that line in Kathy’s Song “There but for the grace of you go I”. “You” is the potential reader. If I didn’t have the potential of “you” reading this, I’d feel so scared and alone right now. 2 more hours, max, before I have an answer. I can do this.
2:30pm – Well, he responded. I assume he landed at the home airport though he didn’t explicitly say. I had asked when he was on the ground at Chicago whether he’d gotten a hotdog. He said “no time, flight was late”. It wasn’t, actually. It was 15 minutes early. Even that has me feeling weird. Whatever.
7:00pm – He beat me home by only a few minutes. After a nice long hug, we watched TV and fell asleep on the couch. I’m making dinner now. He’s been quiet since he got home – we’re both tired. I’m already dreading tomorrow. I have to share him with his ex and kids, then he’s going to jam. I’ll really only get to spend breakfast and dinner with him. We can’t even drive together. I’m trying not to be resentful. I just want more. Hopefully we can have an uninterrupted Sunday together.
