I slept on the couch last night. Sometimes I do that to avoid going to bed alone. I had a night last week that was so bad (awake for hours in bed obsessing, then uneasy sleep and terrible dreams I woke up from crying) that I’ve been afraid of it. Last night I framed it as more of a treat. I stayed up watching Chernobyl and trying to just focus on one thing. Focus is hard when I’m depressed. I want constant distraction in multiple forms to keep me from being alone with my thoughts or getting triggered by one negative stimulus. This morning I called Austin as soon as I woke up. He actually answered – he had gone to work early and I caught him on a coffee run.
I’m technically off work today. I took Austin’s car in for service and did some work on my laptop while I waited. This is part of being the “local” half of the relationship. He travels Monday-Friday of every week, so anything that needs to be done during the week is done by me. I don’t mind it and he did thank me a few times. Still, I wonder if I’m always too eager to do things like this. I feel like I’m making myself indispensable, but that’s bullshit. Even if it was true, why would I want someone to stay with me because they need me to run their errands? I’ve always been eager in relationships to prove how much I can do for a partner and how their lives will be easier with me in it. I don’t know why I’m like that. Anyway, I took some calls and did some work at the dealership and actually felt quite productive.
I had another appointment, and then went to meet some old coworkers for happy hour. I set this up last week when I felt like connection would be a healthy thing. The one person I wanted to see didn’t show up, and the one person I didn’t want to talk to brought up the exact thing I didn’t want to talk about. Awesome. I left pretty abruptly after that, then sent a nasty message and blocked her. That door is closed. This is someone I’ve only kept in my life because of shared contacts, but it’s really not worth it.
Austin called and we had a nice talk as I drove home. I asked him to stay on with me until I got inside, and he did.
Things that made me feel good: Being productive at the dealership
Things that made me feel bad: Ancient drama being dug up
Things I need to work on: Letting old pains hurt me again
