Day 0: Sunday 1/12 was the day I realized I had fallen back in. I posted about how the realization brought me some comfort. I stopped fearing the unknown, because depression is a known entity for me. I’ve come out of it before, and I believe now that there can be an end date. That didn’t stop me from crying in the shower, in the car, in the kitchen, and at a family fun center.
Day +1: Monday 1/13 was tough. I took my partner to the airport for his weekly travel. I was not feeling prepared to be alone. I was productive at work, but completely disconnected from the people around me. I blamed it on being busy (which I was) but really I knew I was avoiding interacting. I didn’t have the willpower to go to the gym after work, but I did start this blog. I made myself sleep in bed (more about that later).
Day +2 Tuesday 1/14
I woke up at 3:30. After laying in bed for 30 minutes, I decided to just get up. I went to the gym and had a very half-hearted workout. I talked to my partner on the phone for a bit before he started his busy day. I got into work early and watched the sun rise. I was motivated to get things done, but still not interested in talking to people. I listened to music all day, which I don’t usually do. My partner called after lunch, but the end of the call felt abrupt and made me uncomfortable. I left work early to get Botox (more on that later) and my partner called me. We didn’t talk long, but afterwards I felt pretty good for a couple hours. Now I’m coming down from that and wondering if he’ll call tonight. I have tomorrow off work, and I’m considering doing something really difficult tonight. I think I need to write about the catalyst for this bout of depression. I considered not writing it at all. I’ve tried to put it behind me, but in the hardest moments it’s what is forefront in my mind. I need to write it. It will be hard and it may keep me from sleeping, but I think tonight is the time to do it.
Update: I’m not doing it tonight. I got a very sweet goodnight call, and I just don’t want to open the wound tonight. I’m going to have to do it, though. I can’t let it fester.
Things that made me feel good: Getting to the office early
Things that made me feel bad: Abrupt end to call
Things to work on: Relationship dependency
Photo: Sunrise from my office window 1/14/25
