Wednesday 1/29/25 – I feel better when I can maintain more independence. I woke up early this AM and went to the gym. Austin texted an early good morning, then went quiet. He later texted that he couldn’t go back to sleep and was at the gym and had hit an important PR. I asked him to call, he said he would when he was done. I went pretty crazy waiting another hour for the call. I assumed he’d “forget” to call or get caught up in something else. He has to cook lunch and dinner at work today, so I know he’ll be busy. He used to do a lot of that: “I’ll call after x” and then wouldn’t. Still, he’s been so much better about that the last couple of months, I need to accept the new normal instead of being constantly afraid. What am I afraid of? That we’ll never speak again? No, not really. I’m afraid that I’ll be nervous and panicky all day because I’ll be thinking he doesn’t care. I’ll wonder if we should end it. I’ll wonder who else he’s talking to. It’s not entirely irrational… but it is definitely over the top. I need to be ok with not talking all the time. Especially when he WAS texting me anyway.
1:00pm – Went to work and had some conversations with my boss that would’ve made me uncomfortable a few months ago, but felt fine today. I’m trying to focus on work, but actually DOING that instead of just saying it. I haven’t texted or checked social media activity. What’s the point? I have nothing to say, and he’ll reach out when he wants to.
8:00pm – A little up and down today. Austin did a bunch of backlogged stuff in the Paired app unexpectedly, it was really nice. I got intensely involved in a work project and only got to talk to him for a moment when he got out of work. When I got out, he was at dinner. When I couldn’t wait any more I called him and got the “call waiting”. Then I called her with *67. It rang once and went to VM. Does that mean she’s on the phone? Has he told her to block me? I don’t know. I’m so tempted to try again now to find out which, but I just can’t do that to myself. He said he was talking to his son. I’m sure he was… but there is always the suspicious part of me. By the time he called me he was tired and getting ready for bed. I wanted more time. I wanted more animation. I wanted more connection. I have to be OK, though. There’s no reason to be upset. He was going to shower when he hung up. I sent him a loving goodnight text, and he sent one back. Now I see he’s active on Instagram, scrolling before he goes to sleep. I will NOT check again. I will NOT put myself in the position to obsess over whether he’s talking to someone else. I will NOT put myself in the position to wonder why he didn’t want to talk to me anymore but is potentially up all night on social media. I will NOT call her again to see if it goes to voicemail.
