Monday, January 27th – I felt strong today. I initiated sex this morning, then I took Austin to the airport. He felt a little disconnected, but I know he’s dreading the work travel. I was more talkative at work than I have been for a while; I feel like I’m not so stuck in my own head. I went to lunch with our bankers which was a little nerve-wracking, then I had a financial meeting. Austin called during that meeting. I had a feeling he would based on when he landed, but I didn’t feel too panicky about missing his call. Sometimes I feel like if I miss his call, I won’t get to talk to him the rest of the day… or maybe ever. Anyway, I called back and he was in the gym. He called when he was done and we had a brief chat, then he called after dinner for another unsatisfyingly brief chat. But enough of the boring details of my day, what I really want to talk about is how I’m feeling. I feel like I’ve maybe turned a corner. I don’t feel quite so desperate like I used to.
I’ve been feeling like I just need to do whatever I can do to get through the day. I’ve had no appetite. I’ve been snoozing through my workouts. I’ve spiraled down very negative thought paths several times a day, even on a “good day”. Today I feel like I’m doing more than just getting through. I feel like I can start putting the methods that I’ve used before into play. I’ll be writing more about this (hopefully tomorrow), but in the past I’ve gotten to the point of “OK” and beyond by balancing nutrition, sleep, and exercise and by leaning into things that can make me stronger. The first thing I want to do is to sleep in bed alone tonight. I was on the couch all last week, and I was just about to lay down on the couch now, but instead I’m going to try going to bed. Yes, I will still have the TV on and I took a sleeping pill, but hey…. baby steps.
