Sunday 1/26
10:30am – After a bad night’s sleep, Austin was cuddly in the morning. Before we left the bedroom, he gave me a hug and said “I love you”. I’m trying to turn my brain off, at least with the specifics and my fears. He had to take his son to a baseball thing. I hate it. It’s every Sunday morning for 3-4 hours. I’m going to try to be productive – get prepped for the week and get the house cleaned up. Hopefully it’ll be on the shorter side today, and we’ll have plenty of time to hang out and watch the NFL playoffs afterwards. Go chiefs!
Remainder of day – I did not do so well. I was so hyper focused on the details of the THING. I had a little meltdown during the first football game. I went upstairs and Austin followed me. I told him how upset I was that he hadn’t ended it and that he “hadn’t thought about it” when it was so important. I also told him I didn’t think he understood that I’ve been in hell for 6 weeks. I know he feels like he just did something stupid and kinda crappy, and I feel like he had an affair. He said he understands, but that it’s just not the case. I think he sees it as me occasionally having a breakdown, then I’m fine the rest of the time. He told me that it’s truly not a big deal to him, and that he’s just going to ghost her. He said he’s been focused on trying to meet me where I’m at. He said that I need to come to him with this stuff. I said I’m afraid to because I don’t want to drive him away, and I brought up the time when he was jamming while I had a meltdown and when he called he said something like “should I spend the night here? I don’t want to walk into this”. I took that as a threat that he would avoid me while I was emotional. He said he had meant it as he would give me space if I needed it. Whatever it was about the conversation, it did make me feel better.
We watched the game and had snacks and the Chiefs won. We dropped the kids and went to bed together. I felt more peace than I have in a while.
