Thursday 1/23
10:00 am – I’m not feeling very good. I skipped the sleeping pill last night and slept like crap. I kept waking up from stressful dreams I can’t remember. At 5:30 I gave up and went to the gym. Austin slept in. he called as I was wrapping up my workout. He said I sounded off. I feel off. I love him, I just don’t know if I can get back to trusting him. I want to ask whether he really ended it, but I also don’t want to talk about it. We agreed that he’d do it before he got home this week, or if not he’d let me know. I don’t know that there’s a point in asking. If he says yes, I probably won’t believe him. If he says no, not yet, I’ll be upset. No point. He needs to man up and do what he says he’ll do. I can’t make him and I can’t babysit him.
11:30 am – He filled out the daily Paired prompts, and that was nice to see. I’m back to the place where I’m feeling bad and I don’t really know why. Of course the last 5 weeks have been tumultuous, but I think I’m in as good a headspace as I can be. Austin is being demonstrative and helpful. I desperately want to call him and talk to him, but I have nothing to say. I don’t need to ask for any assurances. I don’t need to hear any affirmations. I just want to feel better and I don’t really know how. Maybe I need to focus on me, but there’s nothing I really feel like doing. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I feel like having some red wine and crying to a sad movie tonight…
Final – It was just a rough day. Austin and I kinda got into it over a comment I made last weekend about a former partner, I had no idea he was hanging on to that. I called after work and his phone said he was on another call and he denied it – I didn’t push it. He called me after dinner and we had a nice goodnight, but I still felt so uneasy. I don’t think he’s taken care of the situation the way he said he would.
